Tears soak my cheeks and run down my face as I stare out the kitchen window listening to a podcast. What was it about this mans words that struck a cord with me? He was talking about being surrendered and letting go of the perception of being perfect. Can you imagine a world like that?
The podcast was from a local church here in Indianpolis, Pastor Steve Poe was the one speaking. He was talking about how we all have imperfect walls and how no one is without some imperfections. Now before you get turned off, please stay with me. I’m not going to ask to come to an alter, your spiritually is your gift and your business.
Why did this get to me so much to the point that I couldn’t see through the water coming out of my eyes? It’s a very vulnerable story, one very close to my heart that I haven’t wanted to share with you because of my own shame, fear of rejection and disappointment in myself. While I’m not comfortable going into all the details, I can share some of what’s been going on in my world over the past year.
As I stood there in the kitchen that morning, I also saw and empty chair, empty car port, and knew that there was an emptiness in my heart. You see it was the second weekend in our new home and my husband has yet to join me. There’s no need to make any excuses it is what it is and it sucks.
While I hold on and do my best to create space for him, there is the human part of me that secretly longs to feel his embrace. To be held and to hear how beautiful he still thinks I am and that he really appreciates how much I’ve been able to make this house a home for him and our family.
My marriage has been under fire for the past two years. I take full responsibility for that and am praying for a miracle. It’s true that I put on a strong face and I walk in the fire holding on to my faith. This faith that event though I’ve done so many things wrong, there are so many I’ve done right. Underneath the strong exterior I am a woman who longs for the tenderhearted moments with her husband.
The truth is I am ashamed and feel like a complete fraud and failure. I mean, if my marriage isn’t perfect then what does that say about me? Reading that sentence is hard, sharing it with you is even harder. For years I bought into so many lies that in action looked like expectation and really high standards. Which has pushed people away. Perfection is an illusion, one that will suck the life out of you and everyone you love. Thus, I’ve decided that perfection is not for me, I just want to be real. Imperfect, a beautiful mess and fiercely passionate and loving of all people.
Now, I can wallow in self-pity, been there done that, or I can do my best to rise above. I don’t need anyone to save me anymore. That’s a lie I believed as a child. I’m a grownass woman now. Which means I’m fully responsible for me. Besides, only God can save you from yourself. Rather what I desire is to receive the love, compassion and forgiveness that I freely extend to others. To be treated with respect and honor.
My life has taught me that you can always make lemonade when you have a handful of lemons. So that is what I will do. Check out my Facebook page for the announcement of, “Words of Encouragement, by Heather.” I have no idea what the future holds. I can only have faith, live by faith and take each day one step at a time. Some days that will be really easy and others may take much more conscious effort. Either way, life will go on and I am surrendering my life to blindly trust that it’s all going to turn out better than expected.
It’s moments like these that build our character and show ourselves what we are really made of when no one is looking. The purpose of sharing this with you is not to try to make you feel sorry for me, or anything like that; in fact it’s quite the opposite. I’m sharing this with you because I want you to know that I’m real. I bleed like you, I hurt and cry like you. I’m human. Imperfect, at times scared and ashamed. At the end of the day we all have choices. We can choose to go kicking and screaming, try to avoid what’s in our hearts or we can surrender and move forward with faith that surpasses all understanding. What will you choose?