For years my body was used as a tool for the pleasure of others to enjoy. I may have said no a thousand times but I was still scared and allowed my body to be used, often times in ways I didn’t fully understand. I didn’t know how to care for my body, I didn’t know it was my instrument to navigate the world. I didn’t know.
Over the years my body has protected me, it’s covered my soul when the shame was so unbearable that I couldn’t even look at myself. My body was my hiding place, my jail, my safety.
My body has been good to me. I have not returned the goodness to my body. As I learn more and more to truly step into my self I think I finally know what Christ was saying when he said to find yourself, to find him you must first die to self.
So with that, I’m saying goodbye to my old self, my old body, my former briefs and ways. My body is not for sale. Rather it is becoming a place where my inner light and higher self join together to radiate all the goodness that is me.
It’s hard work. My rebirth is challenging me on just about every front in my world. My marriage, my kids, my parents, friends, family, my career, my business, and so on.
Is it worth it? Hard to say, as I’m totally in the middle of this metamorphous. My intuition says YES! I don’t know what’s in store for me on the other side. It’s scary as there are so many unknowns.
It kind of reminds me of the end of the movie Grease. When Sandy changes to fit into Danny’s world. Except I’m not expanding to fit into anyone’s world, and this is the first time I’ve been brave enough to see and hear my own innermost desires.
I’ve learned that I don’t have to fit into anyone’s anything. I simply get to be me.
I get to explore my own body, learn about what pleasure really means to me. All kinds of pleasures from chocolates, breathtaking views, nature and yes of course sex. I also get to keep it for myself. Pleasure is not just sex or sexual, which is what the world taught me. Of course I get to share some pleasures with my husband, but this is on such a deeper level where we get to share our story and innermost connection with each other. It’s a shared pleasure and not one sided. Just because your married doesn’t mean you don’t get to enjoy lovemaking for you.
I also get to explore my body in other ways through movement like hiking, swimming, cycling and learning what feels good and becoming aware of what doesn’t.
I get to also be still in my body. I can simply be in prayer or meditation. I get to enjoy my senses, taste, touch, sight, and sound.
I get to go places and do the things that bring me joy. Which means I can say yes to me. So if my husband or people around me want to go somewhere or do something that I’m not interested in, I can say no without fear of being left out or worrying about what others may think about me. My yes to me gives him freedom and space to be who he is, even if it means that it doesn’t always include me.
I get to face my fear of separation and abandonment, by learning to be enough for myself, on my own. While in being in a long term committed relationship. Yeah that ones kinda tricky. But again, these are fears from my childhood. My old belief system. I’m not that person anymore.
I get to say what I want to say. Of course that doesn’t mean I will say it the way I think it, rather say with love and compassion.
Being me, means tapping into things I don’t know a lot about, yet. I get to follow my curiosity without explanation, to see where it leads. Then I can make a choice on how to proceed if at all.
This metamorphous is hard work. There are days I just want to sleep for hours on end. Sometimes I do. Those are usually followed by days of huge energy explosions.
I’m not sure where this will lead but I know it’s exactly where I need to be. My faith is strong. I’m keeping my faith, but my beliefs around my faith have also shifted.
I suppose if I’m going to continue to help others find their voices, step into their inner power that I need to be willing to be completely transparent with you as my journey deepens and my expansion is becoming bigger.
I’m grateful for the people who have come alongside me for this journey. Especially my husband. He’s been my one constant, the one who has been a safe landing place for me. I am overwhelmed with the amazing friends, mentors and souls sisters who have finally appered, who continue to support me when I feel like I have no idea what’s happening around me.
For those of you sticking with me as I learn to navigate the newness of my rebirth, Thank you. If you want to join me on this crusade to let your true self shine, let’s chat.