Perhaps you’ve been wondering where has Dragonfly Direction been for the past 6+ months. Truthfully, it’s a long story, one that I will begin to share. No one ever goes into life with the goal to fail, yet that’s exactly how I’ve felt for quite a while. Have you ever felt like a complete failure?
The last four years my 20+ year marriage has been ending. The grieving process has been long and painful. To add insult to injury, try selling your home and sending your children off into the world all at the same time.
The transitions in life can be a bitch. Bumpy, messy, painful and yet full of endless opportunity. As 2017 came to a close, all the things I feared in life came true. Most everything that I had built in my personal life, was turned upside down. I felt abandoned, my heart was broken over and over again, my trust was violated, and being in denial was no longer an option. It was time to face the music, my life as I knew it was gone. All that was left were the memories of the past.
A new year was rung in with a new attitude. Desperately looking for something or someplace to land, I decided to take the new year and embrace the quote; “When was the last time you did something for the first time”? Have you ever felt like your entire life was in shambles? What did you do? How did you recover?
Being the determined woman I am, it was time to take what was left of me and rebuild a new, better, stronger version. So what did I do? What came naturally to me? I’m glad you asked.
- Engaged in a community: Realizing that because I had devoted most of my life to my family, it was time to create a new community. Knowing yourself is really important. I’m an extrovert, who needs people. Looking around, there was community everywhere. It was up to me to reach out and put myself out there. It was terrifying at first. I’ve never had to do that, but it also helped me to experience new things and people in ways that I never had before. What I learned is that it’s ok to try new things and meet new people. When I was honest with people, and my authentic self, I was embraced.
- Asked for what I needed: Rallying my closest and dearest friends, I was able to get the support that I needed to make it through some really tough moments. It’s helpful to have your life support team who can remind you of who you are and where you are going. I truly love these people. They picked up the phone, at all hours, many times to a tearful, scared, frustrated and defeated person on the other end and they listened. They didn’t feel sorry for me, but they engaged, had empathy and simply loved me.
- Learned to sit with me: Ok, this was was probably the hardest and one that I have yet to master. Learning to be intimate with me. No, I don’t mean masturbation. What I’m referring to is having a deep connection with self, when there is no one around. Some people take this for granted, they’ve spent a lot of time learning how to do this, for me this is a new experience. One that has taught me a lot about what I want in life & love and more importantly, what I don’t.
- Write it out: There are journals upon journals that I’ve deposited so many thoughts, emotions, and hopes. One day I will have the courage to read what I wrote, but we will save that for another day. I’m not yet ready to go back. My heart and life are very much still in repair.
Though it’s been a tough road over the past two years, my heart aches for stability, loyalty, and safety. Maybe you’ve been there too. While my head knows all of this is such a tremendous gift, my heart is not quite there yet. In the midst of everything, so much good has opened up. Opportunity is everywhere and honestly, I’m grateful for it all.
So there you have it. My life is nowhere near perfect. In fact, it’s a mess. Here’s the difference, while I’m not where I want to be yet, there’s been so much growth. I’m a new person. Rather than become cold and callous, I choose to remind kind and open. This season of life has taught me to have more compassion for people if anything. I’ve changed direction, over and over again. The girl who thought she was lost has transformed into a confident woman who is on a mission to live. She is not lost, she is finding her way, one day at a time.